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These three truths are the primary sad seeds of why marriages fail at an alarming rate in our culture and the disaster for traditional family life.
- Most people rate personal happiness on a higher scale then they do the preservation of their marriage;
- Many men and women are unwilling to appreciate their spouses for who they are and how their spouse’s basic gender differences are (most probably) permanent fixtures in their spouse’s personality;
- Our culture’s focus on individuality and the belief, by many, that we can have full lives, even absent living within a traditional family structure.
Though this list is somewhat unconventional (no mention of financial problems or issues concerning children), but this is what we see, every day, at Graine Mediation. These three truths are the sad seeds of disaster for traditional family life. But “Mom, Dad, and the kids” is not for everyone and most people don’t even know this until they are well into marriage.
Throughout history, marriage has often been recognized as a sacred union. In contemporary society, however, the sanctity of this union is often downplayed or dismissed as not applicable to our modern lives.
The ease in which people are able to enter into casual relationships, as well as our ability, in such a highly mobile and connected society, to readily switch romantic partners, is a recipe for marital disaster. The somewhat obscured sanctity of marriage is not often a major consideration when a person is contemplating divorce and, to many, pales in comparison to their perceived “right to liberty and the pursuit of happiness”.
Women are Now a Force in the Workplace
Our society places emphasis on gender equality in the workplace. Unfortunately, there seems to be some connection between women in the workplace and the high divorce rate. Women are expected to act and react, at work, in the same way as their male counterparts since, even in 2013, men are still far and away the leaders in our business and political institutions. Our emphasis on gender equality in the workplace, and the growth of individualism, is, thus, confusing and does not take into account the vast male-female differences in how we perceive, process, and transmit information. We are told, at work, that we are “all the same”. At home, this manifests into husbands and wives expecting one another to readily act and react as they do at work – as man-like as possible. This is not, however, reality.
Mars and Venus Cannot Get Along?
Men and women both express and receive love differently. When both parties expect that the other craves the same kind of affection as they do, personal expressions and expectations become problematic. In general, men value personal and professional accomplishments and want these accomplishments to be recognized. They desire, support, and admiration for their accomplishments.
Women, on the other hand, have a greater tendency to seek, from their mates, a feeling of being cherished and being appreciated in ways that make them feel special. Women, recent research is showing, want to be the first priority of their husbands; while men often want their wives to wait appreciatively in the wings while they engage in their professional and personal accomplishments.
Because men often link their self-worth, and their value in a partnership, to their ability to provide for their families (via their professional roles), it has become increasingly difficult for many men to accept the multi-faceted roles that women now play. Twenty-first-century mothers can do it all and this appears to be hurting the institution of marriage.
Quite often, women wear multiple hats in family situations; they play the role of nurturing mother, they play the role of the homemaker, and they increasingly play the role of breadwinner. This leaves many men with feelings of inadequacy and, when these feelings are left to fester, marriages, more often than not, suffer.
They're hardwired differently
Furthermore, men and women are hardwired differently and that also plays a role in why marriages fail - especially when they're unable to navigate the way the other person perceives the world around them differently. For example, the communication center in a woman’s brain is much larger than that of a man’s. Women are better able, and more likely, to pay attention to words, take note of what is implied in conversations, and read body language than are their male counterparts. Because of this, the way women and men prefer to communicate differs, especially when it comes to problem-solving. Women prefer to talk through problems, even if a solution is not reached. Men’s brains are wired to be more direct. Thus, they prefer to conceive and offer immediate solutions to problems. This often leads women to feel as though their partners aren’t actually listening; while men feel as though their partners are choosing to dwell on issues that can be fixed quite simply.
Of course, there is no “one size fits all” plan for marriage. Every marriage faces a different set of trials and tribulations. This book by John Gottman on why marriages fail has a series of self-tests designed to help you determine what kind of marriage you have, where your strengths and weaknesses are, and what specific actions you can take to help your marriage. But ultimately, recognizing the fundamental differences between the sexes, though, and remaining focused on the value an intact family can help open lines of communication between spouses and can truly be the difference between whether or not a marriage is successful.
Barbara and Allan Pease, Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, Welcome Rain Publishers, New York, 2000. Abstract found at http://voices.yahoo.com/four-major-differences-men-women-perceive-2588435.html?cat=41
Radwan, M Farouk MSc. “Psychological Differences Between Men and Women” http://www.2knowmyself.com/psychological_differences_between_men_and_women
Posted by Zia Meyer, Mediation Assistant