Thinking you can change your partner is a classic pitfall in many marriages. Though you can sometimes learn to deal with the foibles and flaws of your partner, some disagreeable habits and personality traits of your spouse can become too much to take, and you wind up in the divorce mediator or lawyer’s office. If only your spouse could just change a little . . .
Don’t bet on it! Most psychologists will tell you that it is only in the rarest of circumstances that a person will change because of something you say. Chances are, they’ve already been told by others what their flaws are, and your gentle nagging is unlikely to be sound any different. Often, it’s those preexisting problems that ultimately lead to divorce, when you come to the realization that they aren’t changing.
As individuals, it’s important to remember that we can only control our own actions. We can hope to effect change in others, but it’s no more than a wish or a prayer. This is particularly important to remember when divorce proceedings begin. For ultimate success in a divorce settlement, it pays to be goal-oriented and to divest yourself of any notions of that you can change your partner’s behavior. A person is only going to change if they want to (but that’s what marriage counseling is about, not divorce mediation). Once you are in the mediator’s office or the courthouse, it’s usually too late.
This may sound grim or harsh, but it’s important to understand the reality of human nature so that you can best move forward. Accepting that the only person you can change is yourself will help you move through the divorce mediation and settlement process more efficiently. You can take the time you would have spent obsessing over how your partner needs to change to think, instead, about how you might implement some changes to become a happier, healthier individual in your new single life.
Posted by Jane Baber, Mediation Assistant