2 min 50 sec read
Day in and day out, I deal with people who are suffering from broken hearts. It is incredibly sad. At the same time, however, I view these heartsick, soon-to-be divorcees as people who truly have a second shot at happiness. Most people going through a divorce are in uncharted emotional territory. They can see there is hope for a brighter future, but they don't know how to navigate the waters. Here is some helpful information:
Your divorce just makes official what is already the truth: your marriage is over. The final straw -- an affair, acting out, complete withdrawal, pushing away, out of control “isms” (e.g. alcoholism, workaholism, etc), and emotional neglect -- is often just the catalyst for the ultimate break-up that your marriage was headed for anyway.
Don't keep spinning in your head about what happened. Learn whatever lessons there are to learn, get some therapy, take care of yourself and move on!
Moving on after divorce? The key is a strong Desire to do so.
In order to get over a broken heart, the desire to move through and over that pain must be so strong that it pushes aside brain-space that was once reserved for other thoughts. If you are committed to moving on with your life, and becoming emotionally secure, you can toss aside some non-essential thoughts that might be getting in the way of your progress. You will need to pare down distractions for this extremely important journey in your life - moving on after divorce.
It is too bad that there is not a foolproof, step-by-step guide to getting over a broken heart. There just isn’t, though, and that is why a commitment to a full-hearted desire to feel better is your best hope for pushing through despair. In other words, the formula for successful emotionally healing does not really matter so much as the desire to heal. The details will sort themselves out.
There is always a lot to look forward to after the trauma of divorce -- if that is your desire. For example, we all need close, loving relationships in order to be happy. Such relationships create a sense of personal safety that allows us to move from survival mode to a secure place where we are comfortable exploring our world and building new relationships and experiences. Loving relationships provide the qualities that make life worth living.
Believe in love again
If you were in a dead marriage, congratulations -- you are now free to pursue a loving relationship that fills your heart and makes you believe in love again! It may take a while in truly picking yourself up and moving on after divorce --emotionally -- and I’m not suggesting that you speed-date to get there, but the opportunity is out there and may be just what your heart needs (once the fissures and bruises have mended a little).
It is always a good idea to remember that it takes time to heal and that you cannot change things that have happened to you. But you can choose the way that you feel about them (or at least you can try . . . and that is an excellent start!). We forget, sometimes, that we have a choice about how we feel. Ask any happy person how they stay that way and they almost surely tell you that it is a choice that they make every day.