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Robin Graine, JD: A recent research from Zillow says that 28% of college-educated kids in their 20s live with their parents. This BBC article has showcased the stories of a number of youths in their 30s from different parts of the world that paints a picture of what it's like to be living with parents as an adult and how diverse the circumstances can be. This shows how broad this 'problem' is - and many parents come into divorce mediation with a particular “problem” on their hands which does not, necessarily, have a legal solution: “What are we going to do with our adult child, who is living with parents in the family home, once we separate?” This is an issue not easily resolved by Virginia divorce lawyers in the family court system. Nothing in the law supports “child support” for adult children (unless that child is disabled in some way that disallows independence). However, it is clear to the parents who provide a roof over these “20-something’s” heads that they are expensive to maintain. The broad question is then: Should parents be providing full support, both financial and otherwise, for these adult children? It is a big question in the divorce context and in our culture as a whole.
To explore the subject further, Graine Mediation is pleased to introduce Terri R. Adams, MSW, LCSW, BCD is in private practice in Fairfax, Virginia. She has helped many parents of young adults to successfully achieve a stronger relationship with their young adult children and recapture their own future.
Have you seen the movie, “Failure to Launch”?
Two desperate parents conspire and create a plan to entice their 35-year-old son to finally move out of the house. Hoping they can encourage him to become an upstanding citizen on his own two feet, they set him up with a lovely young woman, hoping that this will motivate him to become independent.
Does this seem familiar? Just when you had adjusted to being empty nesters, here comes your wayward offspring, home to roost. Maybe, your son or daughter went off to college and pursued partying rather than academics and is now home again. Maybe you experienced the joy of college graduation and with sincere anticipation allowed him or her to return to actively pursue a job hunt. But now, a year later, your young adult child is still with you, languishing, direction-less, unmotivated, enjoying all the comforts of home without contributing much to the domestic landscape. HELP!
What can you do?
What are reasonable expectations? In the Washington, D.C. metro area, the cost of living is high, adding to a young person’s challenge in getting a job that can support him or her. And, that almost certainly won’t be in the style to which they were accustomed growing up. So, face it, home is better. And, frequently, it’s free. What could be better?
Whether the return to home was due to a slacking economy, a relationship bust up, poor employment prospects or college challenges, rectifying the situation begins at home. First, you need to know the scope of the issue. Can you determine what is going on? Is it avoidant behavior due to low self-esteem? Is it lack of drive? An inability to cope with stress? Drug use or alcohol abuse? Or, just a bad attitude? Once you can state the troublesome behaviors, you have something to work with.
Responsibilities at home
Living at home, your young adult has responsibilities as part of the household. It is important to have clear, reasonable expectations that are communicated and that have natural consequences if they are not achieved. If needed, offer a coach who can be hired to help your young adult accomplish job goals, breaking each one down into manageable tasks (a resume, interview skills, etc). Regular family meetings can help set up the tasks to be achieved and the coach can handle the follow through with your son or daughter.
Young adults in their twenties should be creating a vision for their future, learning new skills, meeting new people, striking out on their own. Many of the young adults who return home do not have the drive or the vision. Instant gratification (think video games or smoking weed) trumps working on long-term goals and they avoid, relying on their parents to provide the basics. If there is a substance abuse issue, get help as soon as possible. Go to Al-Anon or engage a therapist to help you, if you are stuck. If you sense depression in your young adult, turn to the professionals. Based on research, the most successful treatment is psychotherapy combined with medication.
Ultimately, these “boomerang kids” living with parents need some extra support at home and beyond to develop their own desire for autonomy. Invite them to experience the world and utilize resources available to help launch them into successful adulthood.
COMMENTS by Robin Graine, JD:
“FAILURE TO LAUNCH” IN DIVORCE MEDIATION CONTEXT: Usually, in such a situation, the divorce mediator learns that only one, or sometimes neither, of the parents believes that the adult child living with parents actually needs parental caretaking. The mediator’s role, then, often moves into facilitating a plan of action for “launching” the adult child into independence. This is, even more, the case when the family home must be sold to accommodate the divorce. The divorce is often a catalyst for such action, which is not, if done with compassion, necessarily a bad thing for the adult child.
FUNDING THE MOVE TOWARD INDEPENDENCE: Unless the plan is to immediately “kick out” your “failure to thrive” adult child, helping to move him or her toward independence requires money. Decisions will need to be reached on the financial contributions of the parents toward the support of the adult child in terms of both amount of money and the period of time in which it will be paid. Adult children can be very expensive, too, if there are problems that need to be addressed prior to “launch”. This “funding” piece can get very complicated when there are other minor children in the home for whom an actual child support obligation is supposed to be used. Care needs to be taken in these situations to account for the needs of all members of the family.